30’s

The Fun Parent

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I don’t think I’m the fun parent. Nor are we fun parents. You know the kind… those smiling, energetic folk taking their kids on adventures around town. I have the best intentions but then I get exhausted and I almost want to say, ‘lets turn the tv on and cuddle on the couch’… wait up, no i totally do that!

We recently went on this wonderful family vacation Euro style. I had some really solid intentions to play on the beach and explore outside. But when I am on the beach in 1 foot of water supervising the swimming activities of three children all that goes out the window. ‘Why can’t i sit on the shore and watch you? Why does mommy have to be IN the water’? Can someone please tell me what the difference is? I guess I should be happy that they still want me around. The impending reality of what’s to come.

In all honesty though… we did some fun things. And maybe I need to let myself off the hook. We went parasailing, we played Mr Wolf on the beach for an hour. I ran and chased, coloured, showered outside with the hose, did watersports, and heard giggles daily. I think we have to be able to say ‘time out’! I need a moment, or two. Without the guilt, and when I refelect back I should think of the things I DID do, instead of the things I didnt.

Some food for thought.

The Drive Home

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Every day I learn something new. I learn something else I didn’t already know. I add to the list of things I had no idea about until that very second. Sometimes, if I have a bit of a drive home from where I learnt that new thing, I contemplate how I got through my life until that point. How could 1 person be responsible for so many people and things and not know much about anything? If the drive is long enough, I turn to positive self talk and tell myself that I’m on a learning curve and this is all good. Universe teaching me lessons about life, helping me grow.  And if you see me talking to myself in the car, I’m pretty sure you’ll just assume that I’m on the phone. Totally normal, happens all the time.

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I obviously go to bed way too tired to reflect on the fact that every day I get a little bit smarter. The easy or the hard way, better than I was yesterday.

Another 30’s reality, remembering I’m awesome. That fact keeps slipping my mind somehow. Adding that one to the 30’s fact book.

And for the record, I’m always in the car, and mostly the ride is long enough to give the more pleasant side of my personality a chance to prevail. I’ve worked it out that way, keeping my ego in check.

Cheers.

 

 

What Is Happening?

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On the wall at home hangs a picture of my guy and I, about 8 and bit years ago. Our faces are so fresh, we look rested and full of energy, teeth sparkling and smiles for days.

Fast forward:

Sometimes we look at that picture and can’t keep it together. Laughing hysterically! Those are not the same faces we see today. What is happening?

Seriously though… aging starts in your 30’s. When you look ‘older’ in your 20’s it’s a good thing. Look at me more mature and stuff. But when your skin is pasty and dark circles are a face staple, not so cool anymore.

And my skin breakouts. The guy has hair in his ears. Things are a little droopier than last decade. I get it, I do. And aging gracefully has always been an ultimate goal of mine. It’s just the newness of this experience. Not new and fun but new and scary. Times like these I’m glad that I’m almost too tired to care.

Coffee is necessary. Mid day napping would be pretty amazing if I could manage to learn to do that. I’m only productive until 12pm. Steady decline after that. Money spent on creams, more money, less money. Do any of them help? To botox or not? Cellulite treatments, all to often hair apts to cover those white hairs. Nothing prepares you for this.

Where is the 30’s manual!

 

 

The 30’s, An Introduction

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I can remember being a teenager, a twenty-something, feeling the glamour of what it meant to be those ages. Totally self-absorbed, little to average responsibility, fresh face, more than my share of energy, and the feeling that anything was possible.

I also think about what people say about getting older. “When a woman hits 40, she just fits into her skin”!  “50’s are when real life starts”.  “60’s, you enjoy the fruits of your labour”… It dawned on me as of late that no one ever speaks about the 30’s. And it occurred to me quite frightfully that maybe it was because they block it out as a form of self preservation. Or just, they were too tired and barely remember that decade at all. All very possible answers, and very likely realities.

I never questioned myself in my 20’s. Even if I didn’t know what I was doing, which must of been often. I wasn’t a teenager anymore so I suppose I had those years of training to ease me into what it meant to be a twenty-something.  Perhaps one decade trains for the next.

When I hit 30 a few years ago… it was fun. I at that point had 2 kids, one on the way. I lived comfortably, had a loving partner, all the luxuries of life. I was already ahead of the game. We never found the transition form 1 to 2 girls an issue. And sheer arrogance made us think that a third would be a breeze since well, we were so good at parenting obviously.

Fast forward 5 years (almost), and I’ve never been so tired in all my life. I ask Google things daily. I wonder how I’m allowed to be an adult. I wonder what prep course or introductory seminar I must of missed. I alternate between blaming my parents for not equipping me with the right life skills and between my endless nights at the ‘club’. I wonder if my kids will need therapy. I wonder if my husband thinks half the things I think about him (in my head), and that terrifies me and makes me laugh. Then I wonder if I’m going crazy. Cry, extreme happiness, despair, contentment, love, love, love, love, anger, love, exhaustion. Roller coaster of emotions. Then the sun shines through the window and all is well. I look in the mirror and notice some new lines that I don’t appreciate. The kids go to a playdate and I miss them and know without question that I would never have it any other way.

Stop, rewind, start again.

to be continued…